So, hello world, what on earth am I going to do now?
My incredible son Josef, light of my life, took an unexpected early exit last year and left this lone parent devastated and more alone than ever.
What do I have that I can possibly share with anyone that will be of interest? I'm not sure. All I know is that after 25+ years of loving, caring and focussing my life around my boy - I now have to somehow find a way to carry on. What for? No - who for - for Josef. Ofcourse I hear you say - you must try for yourself, but that doesnt work... it has to be for him. I'm quite sure that he is still here with me, and I've had various messages from Josef, through the work of mediumship, those golden crumbs fill me up for a time and have helped enable me to put one foot forward. Yes, I'm very sure he regrets deeply what has happened, the last thing I want for him, is to be hurt anymore. So I have to find a way.
In the last 12 months I have had lots of love and support from friends and family, and also some very hard knocks from people I thought I could trust, also the ongoing process of Josef's inquest is just diabolical. When you lose a child and are newly bereaved, it feels as if you are walking around without a skin and every little thing that touches you - hurts, even the good things. My head became my prison and my torture chamber and very little could help me with my razor blade thoughts. I literally immersed myself physically and mentally into 'hell's tunnel' of - what if's, why, how, when, who, where - until I became weak and limp and punch drunk, desensitised enough to crawl out of the other side, wounded, maimed and half of me missing. I'm sure not everyone has to go this way - but no other path opened up for me.
Today was the first time in a year that I made myself something to eat, actually cooked, albeit a lazy version of an easy chicken dish. I had eaten whatever I wanted to begin with, I was already overweight, then 6 months in I managed to go to Slimming class and lose 11lb, but thanks to a cruel twist in the law system we have in this country, I was mentally railroaded back into eating rubbish, until today. I will reveal what dilema that cruel twist refers to at a later date, let's not get too dark and discouraged before I've got to the end of my first blog day! I don't think I will write everyday, and it may not always be linear, but something is telling me to blog so blog, I must!
Josef in London
Josef was born in Blackpool in Lancashire, but brought up in an area locally known as Over Wyre. When Josef was young we would visit London quite a lot. After studying there at Ravensbourne University, he finally he decided to make London his home, although I would always argue the point that home is wherever your mother is. Never the less - London was where Josef's chose to be.
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